Diary of a Miscarriage


I created this blog a week before the recent event  in our family. I didn’t want my first post to be something so dark and difficult. But I promised myself that this blog would be real. It would be truthful. It would be a blog that came from my heart first and foremost. And well, this is my heart currently. At first, I didn’t know if sharing my miscarriage story was something I wanted the world to see or hear. But in the last week of my life I have learned the most about my pain and struggle from people who were raw and brave enough to post their story. Reading about other women going through the same heartbreak helped me feel not alone, gave me insight into what was ahead, and gave me hope for my future and where to go from here. To those strangers who had the courage to share, thankyou, you do not know me, but you have changed me. I hope that by sharing my experience, it can do the same for others as others did for me. 

“Do not be afraid or dismayed because of this great suffering, for the battle is not yours, but God’s.”     2 Chronicles 20:15


This is our story,

June 7th, 2016, the day after our little Berklee turned one, I found myself in bed suffering from extreme nausea. My husband, Austin, left for work and a realization came over me. Could I be? What was the date? My heart started pounding and I remembered I had a leftover pregnancy test from the previous month. (We had been trying just about 3 months) Sure enough, I saw the faint second line and the joy that took over my soul was overwhelming. My daughter had just woken up from her nap and I remember grabbing her and saying “Baby girl, you’re going to be a big sister.” My family was growing and it was everything I had ever dreamed for my life. This was about 10 days before Father’s Day, and I decided to surprise Austin with a gift on that day. He would have 2 reasons to celebrate this year. 

 

We told close friends and family and we began to plan a life for our growing family. We discussed names, nursery ideas, how to transition Berk to a big girl bed, everything was real. We were living on cloud nine. I couldn’t wait to feel this baby grow, and for the journey our family would begin. Little did I know at this point, that we would begin a journey alright, a journey we never saw coming.

July 11th, 2016 we went to our OBGYN for our first appointment. At this point I was 8 weeks along, and Austin, Berklee, and I were so excited to see the new member of our family for the first time. I woke up extremely nauseous and my boobs throbbed all over. We saw our doctor and we instantly hugged, she couldn’t believe how big Berklee was, and we began talking about my plans for this pregnancy. She brought the ultrasound machine in, and began the vaginal ultrasound, which is the only way to see the baby this early in pregnancy. Austin grabbed my hand and we waited excitedly to see our little peanut. Instantly, I knew something was wrong. Our doctor’s face changed and she grew quiet. I looked up at the monitor and it was like the world stood still for just a brief moment. A brief moment that would forever be the point in time that my heart shattered in a way I could never have fathomed. There on the screen, was a gestational sac, and the sac was empty. I looked at Austin and the tears flowed uncontrollably. Barely able to speak, I asked the doctor, “I’m going to miscarry aren’t I?” She began talking delicately to me that it could be that, but maybe it was just too early to see the baby, maybe I had my dates wrong. But i knew. I was 100% sure of my dates, 100% sure of my ovulation, and 100% sure of the date I got those two lines. My baby was not there, how could my baby not be there? The rest of the conversation with the Doctor was a blur. I had completely checked out of the present time and my mind was spiraling. She gave Austin orders for me to get my blood done for two consecutive days to see where my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were, and how they changed. She said when the results came in she would call me and we would go from there.

Heartbreak is an interesting thing. I always felt like it was one kind of feeling. It hurt and it sucked, and you ate ice cream and binge watched Netflix and then you moved on. But this time it wasn’t like that. This time it made me question myself.

What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t I protect my baby?  What’s wrong with my body? Why did this have to happen to me?

…  I let everyone down. 

That was my mindset walking out of the office that day. The moment we walked through those double doors I fell into the wall. My body went numb, my knees buckled, and my eyes began to see black. I cried, and I sobbed, and I wept for the baby I would never get the chance to meet. I had blood drawn that day (a monday) and then again on Wednesday and then I waited. For 5 days from the date of that ultrasound, I waited to hear what would happen next. Where do I go from here.  My husband was incredibly supportive, holding me, talking me through, and praying for strength. But even with his unending support and love, those 5 days were the loneliest, most frightening, and darkest days of my life thus far.

In those days, I was sick as could be, I craved, I smelled every scent, I ached, I napped. It was as if my body was playing a cruel joke on me. Slapping me in the face with every pregnancy symptom in the book, just to remind me of the emptiness inside. The doctor later diagnosed me with a Blighted Ovum. Which basically meant that shortly after conception my egg implanted itself into my uterine wall, and then because of a chromosomal abnormality, my body knew the pregnancy would not grow to be healthy and it stopped the egg from growing into an embryo. However your body only takes notice that the egg is not growing weeks and weeks after it has stopped, hence the shock of the ultrasound, and the ongoing pregnancy symptoms.

So, after blood work came back with decreasing hormone levels, and a second ultrasound still showed an empty gestational sac, I knew that any hope I was holding onto was gone. There was no way of changing this, and I think that was the hardest concept for me to grasp. I had no control over what was happening to my body, and that was devastating.

I miscarried July 20th 2016,two days before our family was due to go on vacation for the first time since our daughter was born. I tussled back and forth with whether or not we should still go. I was emotionally, and physically tapped out. There were no more tears left to cry, all that was left was anger. Anger at God for letting this happen, anger at my body for failing, anger at myself for being so excited too soon. And then my daughter waddled into my bedroom, her pigtails a mess, PB&J dried to her face, and the cheesiest smile you had ever seen. We had to go on this trip.

July 22nd, 2016, I watched our Berklee Rae sink her toes into sand, and stare out at the ocean for the very first time. Full of emotions, realization began to hit me all over like a tidal wave. All this time I thought I was moving through my heartache alone. But I never was, God was carrying me. I felt it on the beach that day, and I feel it now. Throughout that fateful event, I just kept saying “I want this to be over.” Only then, staring out at the sunset, did I realize that for it to be over, I had to walk through first. And I did it. I made it through.

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Today, I have hope that God sees more children in our future. But for now, I hold on to my husband and baby girl a little tighter.  It still stings when I see pregnant women, or when I’m asked When are you two having another one? But I also find peace in God’s plan for my family, and I give my fears to him.

“Jesus answered, What I am doing now you may not understand, but one day you will know.”      John 13:7

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Comments

  1. Lisa Reiser says:

    Hi Katie,
    Absolutely love your new blog. I just wanted to tell you this happened to me after Grant. I felt everything you wrote about your experience. You are not alone. I felt that way until I started talking about it to other ladies at work, it was then that I knew I wasn’t the only person this has happened to. I wish we had blogs back then unfortunately we didn’t. I’m so proud of what an amazing women, wife and mother you are!! I feel God only gives us things we can handle and that will make us grow and be stronger. I can’t say enough how proud I am of you.
    God bless,
    Lisa xoxo

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Hi Lisa, wow thank you so much for sharing that with me. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I have found that it’s something very common, but very difficult to talk about and put out there. Thank you for your encouraging words and always being a role model for me in my growth as a mom. It means a lot to hear you are proud! I hope you continue to follow my blog, and thank you again so much for your kind words. love you!!

      1. Lisa Reiser says:

        Thank you Katie!! I’m really sorry you had to go through it too and thankful you are now able to share your experience with others. You are inspiration to so many!! Love you too!!

  2. Samantha says:

    Katie, first off, I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I know the hurt. I just posted about my miscarriage this past week on my own fb. I miscarried our very first pregnancy at 8 weeks also October 3rd, 2011. You never forget. My heart stopped too, emotions astray. It’s hard, and I am here if you ever want to talk about it. Do know that you are brave, strong, beautiful and beyond blessed. You as a person and your family are picture perfect and sometimes I admit I envy how wonderful you have it, but then I am reminded that I am blessed too. ☺ Keep your head up and be proud of the love around you. 💞 I am glad to see you putting your efforts towards a blog and I look forward to reading all about your life’s adventures and yours and Austin’s rainbow baby 🌈👶 God bless sweet gal! Thank you for letting me be apart of your amazing life 😊❤

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Hi Sam! You are one strong mama yourself! You shared your story, and I am so proud of you for taking that leap of faith! It gives me a little comfort knowing you went through that and then went on to have two beautiful children! Thank you for subscribing and following my blog! Your support and kind words mean so much! love you girl!

  3. Julianne says:

    Oh Katie,
    You brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry you had to go through this. You can see how strong of a woman you are just from reading your words. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Pregnancy loss and infertility are things people just keep to themselves. It is such a dark and empty way to carry on with life. I have found when you open up to people, whether it be on Facebook or in person, God blesses us with the encouragement we need. Your faith is being broadcast through your story. I will be praying for you and your family!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Hello beautiful mommy-to-be!!
      First of all, I want you to know what an inspiration YOU are to me with sharing your struggles and testimony, and how thrilled I was when I found out you guys were expecting! You will be a wonderful mother, and I can’t wait to follow your family!

      Thank you so much for your positive feedback and kind words about my blog. It’s something I have worked very hard on and am very passionate about. I hope you will continue to follow my mom journey and we can share some of the pretty, hard, and ugly moments together! Sending lots of loves and good wishes to your family!

  4. Mark Winiker says:

    This truly an amazing piece Mrs. Katie Garday. Having been through my very similar situation, I know the heartache you felt; the resentment towards God, the feeling of hopelessness because there are so many questions that will remain unanswered until we leave this life and transition to the next. One thing, quite possibly the biggest thing I learned when God called my son to join Him in heaven, is that the experiences we go through like ours, they are not meant for us. It correlates with God’s perfect will for our lives. These experiences that God bring us to, are for the people that we will encounter in our that need to hear our story. People who are going through the same thing and need someone to lean on. People who are having their own struggle and truly feel that they are just never going to get through it. Those people, and many others, are the ones who the experiences we go through are meant for. We, you, are now uniquely qualified to help someone who feels the exact same way that you felt. It can be looked at as a blessing, that God chose to beade stronger so we can then go on and carry out his will, do his work. I am grateful that you wrote this, and also want to say thank you. It’s amazing how, even years later, we can still grow from situations that happened in the passed. Thank you for helping me to grow a little bit more tonight, because you brought me to another profound realization; and that is the deeper understanding of how special each and every one of us truly is. Both you and I have lost a child, and both you and I are also still parents. I’ll will hold on to my little man a little closer now too and play with him a little longer each day, because God has allowed me to get to have him. And you to have Berklee. And all of us to have each other. God Bless you and your family Katie. Keep the cute baby pictures coming! 😉

  5. What a beautiful story! God is so incredibly good and I trust in His promises! ! He never leaves us! I had my 2nd miscarriage in May and now we are pregnant going on 10 weeks. Thank you for sharing your story! Xo!!!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Congratulations on your rainbow baby! That is absolutely amazing. I’m so sorry for your loss but your outlook is perfect. God is in control and is forever faithful. Thank you for reading!

  6. Rosario says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I had a miscarriage last January and It was some of the hardest things I had to go through.

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      I’m so sorry you had to go through that Rosario. Prayer for you and your family! Thank you for sharing and reading!

  7. What a beautiful story, although it is sad and I wish I could hug you through the computer screen – youre so brave to share this story to us all!!! THank you so much for this – God has bigger and better plans for you – you got this girl xx

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you for your warm words and encouragement! Every day is a new day! Giving my fears to him!

  8. What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart… this brought tears to my eyes.

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words. Means so much to me!

  9. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are so brave for sharing with us!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you Brittany! Sharing the story has helped heal me! Thank God for blogging. 🙂

  10. Jen Brown says:

    Such a raw and honest post! You are so brave for sharing this. My very first pregnancy was a miscarriage and it was so incredibly hard to deal with. Thank goodness for supportive husbands. I firmly believe God will bless you with a beautiful rainbow baby when the time is right. Stay strong Momma!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you so much. Your kind words mean everything. I’m so sorry that you too lost a baby. It’s a tragedy you can only understand when it’s happened to you. Thank you for reading! Love your blog!

  11. Madi says:

    Thank you for sharing your story, it deeply touched me and I feel for you. I have realized lately that it happens so much more often than we think and Its helpful to hear people talk about it. YOu are amazing!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you so much for reading Madi. <3

  12. Ali Hallock says:

    This is such a well written, beautiful post. You never wish in a million years to be part of the miscarriage momma club, you can’t even fathom or truly empathize until you’ve been in those shoes yourself. Those beautiful babies we’ve lost will always stay in our hearts and minds; the due date sticks in your head and you have a mini meltdown every year when that day approaches. It’s an ongoing internal battle but a challenge that helps you grow and become more compassionate in a way you never knew until you went through this. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending all my love and a big hug your way! Xoxo

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Your comment brought tears to my eyes. You are so right. No matter how much time goes by, I still have good days and bad. You never forget and you never truly heal. You just learn to live with the pain. Thank you so much for your kind words. Sending a big hug right back to you!

  13. Rachel says:

    I am so very sorry my dear. xo

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you for the support Rachel.

  14. Shari says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. What an extremely difficult time, but such an inspiration has come of it.

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you so much!

  15. Maya says:

    This is such a beautifully crafted, well written post. Pregnancy loss is terribly painful experience. Continue to tell your story because it will help so many.

    Maya
    IG: @JustMeOMaya

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you so much Maya! <3

  16. Kristeena says:

    This brought tears to my eyes. I also had a miscarriage last year and it was on of the hardest things I went through. I miscarried the night before our first appointment at my OBGYN and it was rough. Sending all my love to you and your family xx

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It is one of the most traumatic events you can go through as a mama. But let me tell you I read your blog, and you are an absolute inspiration. Keep Shining your light! And thank you for reading and commenting 🙂

  17. I’m so sorry for your loss. Stay strong mama!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Getting stronger everyday! Thank you for the support 🙂

  18. Chanel says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story and being so brace to publicaly talk about your experience. I am so sorry for you loss and I know God has the best plan for you!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you Chanel! I really appreciate that 🙂

  19. Jessica says:

    This is a beautifully written post that I identified so much with. I lost my first pregnancy at 9 weeks along, in a very similar way, and the part of the post where you talked about still feeling pregnant even when you knew you weren’t any longer totally struck a chord with me. I remember that feeling all too well. Thank you for sharing your story.

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      I am so sorry for your loss. It’s something we never truly get over, just learn to live with. Sometimes I allow myself to go back to that day and then I remind myself of my blessings and try and find some peace. Thank you so much for reading! Our angel babies would be proud of us 🙂

  20. Lindsay says:

    aw big hugs to you and your family! I am so sorry for your loss. You are so brave for being so transparent and sharing this!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you so much <3

  21. Eryka says:

    Raw & beautiful story! Your family is gorgeous!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Thank you so much! And thank you for reading!

  22. Hugs! My rainbow baby is just over one now! There will always be light after a storm!

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      I’m so sorry for your loss as well. But so thrilled you have your beautiful rainbow baby! I’m hoping we will have one someday 🙂 Thank you for your kind words and for reading!

  23. Maca says:

    I’m so so sorry for your loss mama, this brought me to tears 🙁
    I wish I could hug you right now. Sending you lots of love.
    xo,
    Maca

    http://www.heymaca.ca

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      I glad accept your hug through the computer screen. Thank you for the love and thank you for reading!

  24. Maggie says:

    What a beautiful, strong mama you are. I just want to hug you through the internet. Sending all my love to you and your wonderful family!

  25. Melissa says:

    I cried reading this. I have gone through three miscarriages and each one still hurts even after having three beautiful children. I felt so very alone and angry at my body during my third miscarriage about a year and a half ago. I wish I could’ve read this then, even though I truly wish you never experienced this pain. The Bible quote you put on here touched me very much. Thank you for sharing your story.

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      Melissa! I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine going through another one, you are stronger than you know! The anger at yourself is so strong during those times but God is always carrying us. Thank you for reading and sharing with me. God bless you and you beautiful family!

  26. Amber Starr says:

    Oh mama, I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending love and hugs. I’m sure that sharing your story has helped another mama feel comfort and the bravery it took to share such a raw and personal story is commendable.

  27. my blog says:

    I love the information on your web site. thnx!.

    1. raisingmyarrows says:

      I’m so glad you found it helpful. Best wishes!

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